#personalspace

feeling 98% logic 2%

these days, I was thinking about it until I couldn’t sleep until 3 am. I think I sidelined my heart. deep down inside me, one thought is bothering me crawling inside my mind and whispering that: I want a marriage. I can’t imagine if I live my life alone for the rest of my life, how can I live alone when I'm afraid to even go to the bathroom when I'm left home alone? I’m still afraid go alone even when my best friend is sleeping in the bed beside the bathroom at the hotel😢 I can’t lift the gallon or sometimes just as simple as unscrew the cap of a mineral bottle. I can’t put the motorbike on the main stand nor lift it a little to turn it.

I want to travel, but who will drive me for trips that are 2–4 hours or longer? I can’t do that. or who am I gonna persuade to go to a new cafe that I want to visit? sometimes,  I’m independent because the conditions force me to be. this time many questions cross my mind: who will buy me medicine when I’m at bed feeling sick? who is gonna listen to my embarrassing story when I carelessly fall over from my broken heels and slowly my cheek kisses the asphalt in front of strangers? 😭 —based on a true story wkwk—who wants to watch netflix with me and talk about the characters throughout the movies? who is gonna give me a shoulder when I need it? or a hug when I feel sad or happy? my logical brain will answer it : YOU!  YOU CAN DO IT ALONE!—with the capslock—, but my heart says differently; “No, I need someone.”

I’m thinking about it many times and it turns into realizing that I’m not gonna live forever with my parents or my sisters and brother. they will have their own lives someday when they grow up. sometimes, I'm really thankful for my last relationship, because it made me realize that it is okay to rely on another person. it is okay to be weak and need someone beside me, that it is okay to be emotional and honest with my feelings, that, I need a man—I mean, a real man, a partner for a lifetime. I will be buried alone, but I don’t wanna live alone. I need someone who wants to get older with me, walking through life together until death do us apart. but, for now, I want to be with myself first, then let’s meet in my thirties, my love of my life! xixixi. sending soooo much loOoVee💖

#personalspace

Apreciate To My Man

As a woman who’s about to turn 27, my mind keeps drifting toward thoughts about getting married, owning a house, and living with a life partner. There’s barely any space left in my head for career dreams anymore. I guess I’ve kind of surrendered to the way life keeps taking me to places I never really expected to end up in.

Even though I’m currently in a relationship that’s been going on for three years, the doubts and the fear of ending up alone — of not getting married — still creep in sometimes. It’s not because my partner doesn’t have intentions to take things seriously. It’s more like… life just unpredictable. Things don’t always turn out the way we imagine them to.

My brain keeps coming back to the same thought: ending up with someone doesn’t really depend on how long you’ve been together or how deep the relationship has been. I’ve seen people who were together for years but never made it to marriage—if we see marriage as the “end goal” of a relationship. And then there are people who actually get married but eventually get divorced.

So what does it even mean to live a life with someone-for the rest of our lifes?

When I look at my parents’ marriage, sometimes it feels like they just stayed together because they had to. Like they were stuck together because of the kids. It’s not like their marriage was terrible or full of drama—it was mostly just… normal. Ordinary. But that also makes me wonder: what is marriage, really?

I asked my partner once. He said marriage is about living life together. Doing things side by side. Taking care of the house, watching movies, being each other’s person to talk to, managing money, traveling to new places—just sharing life. But somehow that answer makes me scared. Because if you get used to doing everything with someone, what happens if one day, because of some problem you can’t fix, you have to start doing all those things alone again? And for someone like me, who struggles a lot with adapting to changes in routine, that thought feels really heavy. Maybe it’s because I’ve become so comfortable with what I have now, the thought of being on my own again feels scary.

I used to think not getting married would be totally fine. But now I’m used to being with someone, relying on him. I used to be over-independent, but now, I'm having him around in my daily life. He makes my life easier. He pampers me so much that I’ve become a little spoiled too. And honestly? I’m comfortable with it. Then the fear sneaks in—what if one day he leaves me? Maybe that’s why these doubts and fears show up, that's why my survival instincts keep whispering that I should be ready to go back to being on my own.

I keep that thought just 1% with me—what if I don’t get married and end up alone, like I used to think I would when I was younger? It’s a tiny voice, almost ignorable, but it’s always there, reminding me of the life I once thought I’d be okay with. Even though most of me feels comfortable and happy with how things are now, that small fear sometimes sneaks in and makes me pause. 

To calm those negative thoughts, I usually tell myself: "let’s just see where this goes, let time decide where life will take me." I guess I’m just trying to let things be and see where life takes me. But sometimes these thoughts still affect me—and my relationship too. They make it harder for me to fully trust him, even though he has shown so much effort and patience just to make me feel secure. Thankfully, I’m with a man who’s really kind and very, very patient with me. How lucky I am. He’s always reassuring me, always trying to calm the negative thoughts in my head. I know sometimes it probably makes him tired, maybe even makes him want to give up. But he’s still here, still choosing to stay, still reminding me that whatever comes, we’ll get through it together. I guess that’s what it’s like to be loved.

Let’s see where this journey will take us!